I felt great compassion for you as I read this.
I come from the opposite side of the equation — when I was 36 years old, I was diagnosed with inflammatory breast disease. My doctors told me I had 6 months to live.
My husband did EVERYTHING to help me live. Today I’m in remission.
Having a positive attitude helped me survive. I talk about it in this article:
I research on alternative therapies and my husband helped me put things into practice. For example, when I told him I wanted to drink wheat grass juice, he grew flats of the stuff, juiced it and manfully downed a shot with me every morning despite the awful taste.
He was my hero, and yet, 12 years later, he left and we’ve divorced. However, we remain friends. I have friends who hate his guts and can’t believe I’ve forgiven him, but the thing is, I have tried to put myself in his shoes.
Only someone who has been in this situation knows the stress it puts on the relationship.
Ironically, the reason my husband left probably has a lot to do with my becoming more independent. About 3 years before he walked out, I decided I needed to take back control of my life. I took steps to make it happen.
Our marriage transformed. We both became happier. I pursued art and writing and was more active. Suddenly our marriage was more the way it should be — a partnership. But… that also changed the dynamics.
People married to alcoholics probably understand this. They also get castigated for leaving an addicted spouse by those who don’t understand the dynamics of codependent relationships.
The thing is, you did the best you could. Yes, you get married for better or worse and you SHOULD sacrifice for each other. BUT… if your spouse is drowning and refuses to swim, there is only so long you can hold their head up before you start drowning too. It’s not immoral to save your own life.
What people don’t realize — we are all responsible to save ourselves. Ultimately no one can save you but you.
It’s easy for others to say — well, maybe if you had put your foot down when she kept calling you at work for trivial crap, or had forced her into therapy. But… what about her responsibility to herself and to you?
Sometimes you can’t see the forest for the trees, and it’s easy, in the midst of this type of situation, to take on more than you can handle, and then get so worn out you can’t give any more.
When I had cancer, I could ask my husband to make me juice and take me to doctor’s appointments and do housework. (God bless him, he cleaned up vomit so often while I went through chemo.) But I could NOT ask my husband to SAVE me. I had to make the decision to save myself.
When you left, perhaps you forced your wife to finally save herself. That wasn’t a nice decision that you made, but perhaps it was the kind one?
Anyway, my heart goes out to both of you because I’ve been in a similar situation and I know how incredibly hard it is.
