I think you are a very good person. I eat meat but have never killed an animal. I think I would have it very hard too. I have a friend who "trades" with another farming friend - they slaughter each others' pigs.

I only eat pastured meat and eggs because factory farms are cruel and I would rather pay more for meat that I know came from an animal that was not tortured. If it lived its life on pasture, with fresh air and sunshine and companionship - I am OK with that.