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My friends face death — what can I do?
The hardest part of being a friend
I have had a rough few days. One of my friends’ father was recently diagnosed with an incurable cancer. He had months to live, if he’s lucky. I took her out to lunch last week. It was weird.
This was a friend who has supported me through my own cancer and then my divorce. I wanted to be there for her. Yet lunch consisted of talking about trivialities. I told her a couple of times, “If you need anything, I’m here for you,” but that got barely a nod of acknowledgment. She wanted to talk about her daughter’s Girl Scouts ventures, her job, a book she was reading. The only time she got emotional — when she talked about going out with her parents for Thanksgiving. Her daughter used Facetime to call during the meal, and she said it was the first time she saw her dad smile since his diagnosis. Her eyes momentarily got misty.
This felt weird to me, because when I deal with death and dying, I do it differently. I talk about it, and I cry and I get angry. My friend’s minimally emotional reaction felt wrong. But you know what I did? I stifled my response. Because this wasn’t about me. This was about her.
A couple of days later, another good friend had a death in her family. She was devastated. This time I could relate better. I asked her if she needed…
